For a long time now, I've been able to hear all sorts of sounds.
From old, sun-scorched, faded signs. From the profile of a female student, looking happy to be at school in her new clothes. Even from the cigarette butts lying on the school route.
Everything made its own unique sound.
At some point, they all became noise.
And then, the world became deafening.
It was as if the world hated me.
As if I were shipwrecked and drifting all alone in a sea of noise.
I can't take it anymore.
So today-- I'm going to end it all.
***
"--Are you really quitting, Tsukishiro?"
To my homeroom teacher, who asked me with a voice mixed with noise, I gave a slight bow and said, "Thank you for everything."
It was after the summer vacation of my second year of high school. After the opening ceremony. I was the only student in the air-conditioned faculty office.
"It's amazing how you can bounce back so quickly after losing your parents, Tsukishiro. Unlike in the past, there's all kinds of support available now, you know. You could use those systems to continue coming to school."
"No, there was something else I wanted to do anyway. This is a good opportunity."
"You almost became number one in Japan in rhythm games, didn't you? A man of effort. ...If anything comes up, come and talk to me anytime. I'll always be your teacher."
"Yes. Thank you very much."
I left the faculty office. At the entrance, I changed from my indoor shoes to sneakers and walked out the gate, glancing at the youthful shouts (noise) of the students engrossed in their club activities on the grounds.
And with that, I was officially a dropout.
My classmates, more than strangers but less than acquaintances, might be confused for about a week at the sudden loss of a classmate, but they'd soon return to their usual routine.
I don't really care. For me, my memories with them are nothing but noise.
With this, my preparations for the end are complete.
The brilliantly shining sun beat down on the back of my neck. It seemed summer was still far from over.
Twisting the wireless, earplug-like earbuds into my ears, I turned my back on the school gate.
***
Today is a special day.
A local train line, beloved for eighty years, is making its final run.
I had been preparing for the end with the intention of throwing myself in front of that final, commemorative train.
Today is the final touch. I've picked out a spot just before the terminal station. There was still a lot of time before I needed to get there, so I decided to kill time at a nearby McDonald's.
I got in line to order. While waiting, I took a deep breath to prepare myself mentally.
Since there were three registers running in parallel, my turn came in less than five minutes.
Now, this is it. The interaction with the clerk. I steeled myself and took off my wireless earphones-- and in that instant.
The sharp noise that filled the restaurant rushed at me all at once, as if a dam had broken.
The sound of the air conditioner, the tapping on the next register, the sound of fries being cooked in the back, the voices of the dine-in customers chatting-- all of it became distorted, unnatural sounds, closing in on me from all sides as if to stab me to death.
...This is even louder than usual. Dammit.
This mysterious symptom, similar to synesthesia, that started afflicting me at some point.
People's voices and everyday sounds are all mixed with noise, like a radio off its frequency, and just seeing them brings a grating, shrill sound to my ears.
Just as some people see colors when they look at letters. Just as some people taste flavors when they hear sounds.
I have a condition where I perceive noise in all of human activity.
Ah, dammit. The cacophony raining down on me feels like it's going to split my head open.
I quickly ordered two hamburgers and a large Coca-Cola.
While I paid and the items were placed on my tray, the conversation from a table of high school students next to the register reached me.
"Hey, hey, why do you think Hoshimiya Miyuki quit? 'To focus on her studies' has to be a lie, right?"
"I dunno. Maybe she got pregnant or something?"
"Gahaha, no way!! That'd be hilarious if it were true, though!!"
I wish they'd stop yapping so much. It's pounding in my head.
Tray in hand with my order complete, I fled to a single seat by the wall.
"By the way, did you hear? She uploaded a new song to YouTube yesterday."
"Oh, from 'Hahyuu'? Yeah, I heard it. It was so good, right?"
On the way, the high school girls' conversation (noise) scraped at my eardrums, but once I reached the single seat, I was in my own space.
I put down the tray, stored my bag in the luggage space, and put on my earphones as if hiding from the world.
For now, the surrounding noise receded. I let out a sigh.
When the headache-like weariness had subsided a little, I opened the YouTube app, hamburger in one hand.
--A new song from Hahyuu, huh.
Hahyuu. She's an "utaite" who sings songs created with a vocal synthesis software called Android Singer-- or "Dorothy" for short-- and distributes them online. Her age and face are unknown. With a clear, sky-like singing ability, she's a talented female singer who became a charismatic figure for young people in just three years.
I've been a fan of her songs ever since her debut.
Because her songs had absolutely no noise.
Hahyuu's voice alone was endlessly clear, like a summer sky after the rain. It felt like my insides were being cleansed, and it put me at ease. For me, with few places to escape to, her voice was nothing less than an oasis.
I selected 'Hahyuu' from my subscribed channels list. The one at the top was the newest upload. It seemed to be a song called "Kaikou FIRE FLOWER." Ah, a new song from Danshari D.
Following the pattern of "pianist" or "guitarist," people who compose using Dorothy are called "Doroshisuto." They often add a "D" from "Doroshisuto" to the end of their names.
Danshari D is a Doroshisuto known for cruel lyrics and an intense musical style.
Danshari D's influence was a big factor in propelling Hahyuu to fame as an utaite. Hahyuu has uploaded 'cover' videos for most of Danshari D's songs.
The mismatch between Hahyuu's soaring voice and Danshari D's dark music, along with Hahyuu's vocal power to poignantly express negative emotions, attracted countless Dorothy fans.
I tapped the play screen. After a few seconds of commercials, a song starting with a bass solo began to play.
A comfortable low tone was joined by the guitars, synths, and other instruments. Then, as if a chemical reaction had occurred, a fierce sound exploded. After a barrage of sound like an air raid, there was a sudden, momentary pause, and finally, the voice was spun out.
'From a faraway place, I found you. Your back, heading towards the end, is so small.'
A beautiful, clear high tone.
Dorothy songs are often so high-key that they're not made to be sung by humans, but Hahyuu also has an inhumanly high-toned voice as her specialty.
'Gaining nothing, it just ends. Where does this deceived heart go?'
Within the beautiful high notes, however, was a definite glimpse of anguish.
It was as if she was truly in despair.
'Falling, falling, falling, falling, abandoned even by the end, I can't tell happiness from misfortune.'
Though I don't even know her face, her expression appeared vividly in my mind.
Surely, her face was a mess, wet with tears, yet she was still roaring with an irrepressible passion.
'A boring reality, an unfulfilled wish, a future I no longer need, in a night sky where eyes, ears, and heart are sealed.'
The drums pounded my eardrums. The bass and guitar closed in. Hahyuu screamed. Heading towards the chorus, the instruments raged, danced, building the atmosphere... and then, suddenly, the sound stopped.
"Fireworks suddenly bloomed.'
By the time the chorus began, the crying girl was nowhere to be found.
***
The sun had completely set.
Rocked by the dim train, I covered my ears. My earphones had run out of battery.
Without Hahyuu's voice, even with earphones on, the clamor from inside the train would get through.
The sound of the train pushing through the air, the sound of it hitting the tracks, the conductor's announcements-- and what I couldn't stand most of all was the abnormal population density and the storm of excited chatter from the train enthusiasts.
The pressure from that wall of flesh and the lukewarm, humid air was as unpleasant as poison gas, and because of the accompanying noise, I even began to feel a sharp pain, as if my eardrums were being stroked directly with a pencil.
After enduring tens of minutes of hell, the train finally arrived at the terminal station. I followed the throng of train enthusiasts disembarking onto the platform. It too was filled with people chatting, expensive-looking cameras hanging from their necks.
I pushed my way through the crowd (noise) and quickly went to the ticket gate. I tapped my IC card and exited the station.
The night darkness and a chorus of bell crickets greeted me, and a grassy scent on the warm breeze hit my nose.
I let out a breath and, as if escaping the clamor behind me, I ignored the flickering streetlights and stepped onto an animal trail. My destination was a small bridge over the tracks. A rickety, dilapidated bridge that the train would pass just before reaching the terminal station.
From there, I would throw myself onto the train. To meet my final moment there.
Thinking only of that, I pushed on through the suffocatingly hot, sultry night.
After pushing through the mountain path for twenty minutes, drenched in sweat, I arrived at the bridge.
It wasn't a bad spot for taking pictures of the train, but it seemed no one ever came here.
I leaned my upper body against the bridge's railing and stared blankly at the night sky.
The sky was full of stars. The clear air, deep in the mountains and cut off from the city's noise, allowed the twinkling of the stars to reach the ground unimpeded. The temperature was still high, but with the sweat on my skin, the wind on my cheeks felt cool. And above all, there was absolutely none of that annoying noise.
This is it. This is the right place for the death I was looking for.
Even if I was going to die, I didn't want to end it in some random place filled with noise that I had no connection to.
To die in this tranquil place, along with the train line I've used since I was a child, isn't so bad.
Thinking such sentimental thoughts.
Half-consciously, I took out the crystal-inset necklace from under my dress shirt. It was my mother's memento, which I always wore in secret, though it was against school rules.
Instantly. I was assaulted by a deafening noise, like cymbals being smashed right next to my ears.
I thought my eardrums would burst. I hurriedly shoved it back inside my clothes as if stuffing it into a trash can. The strange sound faded, leaving only a grating echo like microphone feedback.
This necklace is always so damn loud. I've thought about throwing it away so many times. But I can't, because it's a memento. Because doing that would be the same as throwing away my past, my mother.
Ah dammit, it ruined the mood.
It's always like this. I shouldn't get swept up in sentimental feelings.
To clear my head, I decided to listen to a Hahyuu song. Here, I could listen without earphones and not bother anyone. Thinking that, I reached for my left pocket,
"...Huh?"
I frowned. It wasn't there. My phone wasn't in its usual spot.
I rummaged through my bag, but the electronic device I was looking for was nowhere to be found.
The only place I could think of was the McDonald's I stopped at earlier. I hadn't touched my phone once since I left there.
I let out a big sigh and gave up the search.
A small regret remained before my death, but it couldn't be helped.
Surely, I am hopelessly, utterly hated by the world.
Eventually, from a distance, I heard the sound of the train hitting the tracks.
It's almost time. In a few minutes, the last train will pass under the bridge and make its final stop at the terminal station.
And along with the railway that has finished its long service, this rotten life of mine will also come to an end.
I put my foot on the railing and vaulted over it in one go. As I sat down on the iron fence, I saw a yellow light through the gaps in the trees. The train's headlight. In the gradually strengthening light, I felt death approaching.
There was no trembling. In fact, I even felt a sense of peace.
I looked up. The billions of stars filling the celestial sphere made me feel as if I was the only person in this world. No, that must be true. There isn't a single person who would be sad about my suicide, not a single person who would stand by me and sympathize. I've been cast out from the framework of this world.
A dry laugh escaped me.
--Ah, with this, I think I can die properly.
I leaned my body forward. So I could jump out immediately when the time came.
"--Hey."
A jolt ran down my spine.
At the voice that suddenly came from behind and to the side, I spun around as if shot.
Before I knew it, a shadow was standing there.
She was wearing a hat, and I couldn't see her features clearly, but from her lovely posture alone I could tell she was a girl about my age.
In the few seconds I was frozen, she climbed over the railing and sat down next to me.
What the hell is with this girl? Since when? What for? My thoughts spun around.
"Hey, before you die,"
The light was getting closer. The time was drawing near.
I snapped back to my senses.
I swung my arm as if to reject the girl, but it only grazed her and knocked her hat off.
My arm was grabbed. My resistance was overpowered.
A dazzling light illuminated us.
"--Kiss me."
With a deafening roar, the train passed by.
In a world returned to darkness, my lips were on the girl's. ...No, they were being pressed against mine.
Without missing a beat, the girl wrapped her arms around my neck, and we fell together onto the bridge.
The shock of the fall brought me to my senses. While still lying down, I shoved the girl away and stood up, covered in sand.
"What the... hell!! You!!!!"
My angry roar seeped into the darkness.
I never thought someone would interfere. There was no one to tie me to this world, and even if there were, in this darkness, they surely couldn't have stopped me. They shouldn't have been able to stop me. --And yet.
"Why did you get in my way!! Don't screw with me!!"
"...Heehee. Ahaha. What a clumsy kiss. Was that your first, maybe?"
My anger flared. I moved towards her, about to grab her in a fit of passion-- "Go on, are you going to hit me?"
I stopped. My right arm froze. She was completely unfazed.
"I'm just a frail, sickly, below-average girl. If you did that, I might suffer some serious long-term injuries. Then, you might be off to juvenile hall. You wouldn't be able to kill yourself for a while, right?"
"...You won't catch me. You don't even know my name."
"I don't, but I can track your whereabouts."
I didn't understand what she was saying.
This girl, who couldn't possibly know a single thing about me, said it without any hesitation.
As if with absolute confidence.
"Because I can see the future."
"..................................................................Huh?"
"Ah, you don't believe me, do you?"
"Believe you? Bullshit. Look at reality before you start talking about the future."
"Wow, harsh. Hey, why do you think I'm here?"
She said, while patting the sand off her clothes,
"It's because I saw a future where you were committing suicide."
"...Huh?"
An unpleasant chill settled in the pit of my stomach.
It couldn't be. It had to be a lie.
The sharp ring of truth in her words dulled my thoughts for just a moment.
"That's why I came here. And I changed the future for you."
She placed a hand on my left chest.
The feel of her soft palm through my dress shirt made my heart beat a little faster.
That's right. The beating of my heart.
The sound of life that makes the living, living.
"The future where you die, you see."
A cold fear ran up my spine, and I reflexively brushed her hand away.
Who the hell is this woman?
How can she spout such a ridiculous lie about seeing the future with a voice that sounds so real?
"You see, when I touch a person or their belongings, I can see their future. I found your forgotten phone at McDonald's, and when I thought I'd use my future sight to track you down and return it, what I saw was you at the scene of your suicide. If I saw it, I had to stop you, right? So I took a taxi and rushed over here."
As she spoke, the girl took out a smartphone from somewhere.
In the darkness where the only light source was the twinkling of stars, the artificial light pouring from the small box was painfully bright.
And the light emitted from the phone she took out illuminated her face, which had been hidden in the darkness.
I thought I was going to fall over.
"Ho-Hoshimiya Miyuki...!?"
"Eh, you only just noticed? A bit slow on the uptake, aren't you?"
I instinctively stepped back, hitting my back hard on the railing. I looked again and again at the girl in front of me, playfully waving the phone around.
Wide eyes that looked like she might be of mixed heritage. A straight, well-defined nose. Soft, silky short hair-- no matter how many times I looked, it was Hoshimiya Miyuki. The Hoshimiya Miyuki who debuted as an actress in middle school, became the youngest to win the Japan Academy Prize for Outstanding Performance by an Actress in a Leading Role, and then suddenly retired about three months ago.
"N-no, I didn't even consider... something like that."
I found myself using honorifics. If I remember correctly, she was a year older than me.
"You should have recognized my voice."
"You're asking for the impossible. …Also, you have a sharp tongue."
I hardly watch TV, but the girl on the other side of the screen had a much more pure and innocent image. The way she was talking now was a world away from the impression of Hoshimiya Miyuki who supposedly captured the hearts of boys everywhere with her shy smile and pearly white teeth.
"This is the real me. It's fine, isn't it?"
"W-well, for now, that's my phone, right? Thanks."
"Nope. Not giving it back."
Just as I was about to grab it, Hoshimiya Miyuki pulled the phone away.
"I still haven't gotten an apology. You almost hit me, and you treated me like a liar."
"...I'm sorry. My apologies."
What a pain. While thinking that, I apologized honestly so as not to cause any trouble.
"And you stole my lips."
"Th-that wasn't my fault!!"
"Just kidding. More importantly, does apologizing mean you believe me now? About my future sight."
"That's a separate issue... I mean, were you serious?"
"I'm serious. I don't lie."
"Isn't your TV persona a lie?"
Hoshimiya Miyuki deliberately averted her gaze at my rebuttal. It seems she pretends not to hear things that are inconvenient for her. She certainly has a 'wonderful' personality.
She started humming with my phone in her hand. Her voice sounded like she was doing mental arithmetic. What on earth was she thinking?
"Eh, whoa, amazing. ...Alright, then I'll make you believe in my future sight."
"Huh? I said it's fine. I believe you, I believe you. Just give it back already."
"You're so noisy. It's fine, just wait a little longer."
When she turned off the phone screen, the area was once again enveloped in complete darkness. Because I had been exposed to the phone's light, the darkness seemed deeper than before.
"--Because fireworks are about to go up, you see?"
It was right after that. About 500 meters away, a high-pitched sound that seemed to tear through the air shot up into the sky, and then, with a boom, a large flower bloomed in the night sky.
A crimson glow illuminated Hoshimiya Miyuki. Her bewitchingly narrowed eyes and a mischievous smile were revealed.
"So? Do you believe in future sight now?"
Hoshimiya Miyuki's meaningful smile. Combined with the darkness, it exuded a bewitching charm that seemed like it would wound you if you touched it.
If the fireworks were a coincidence, it means she had foreseen the fact that they would go off. And of course, if she had set up the fireworks for this display, she would have had to predict that I would show up in the middle of nowhere like this to even be able to prepare.
Indeed, whether by coincidence or by design, it leads to the conclusion that she can see the future.
Though I can't bring myself to believe such a thing right now.
"No matter how I think about it, this isn't... normal, is it?"
"Oh. You're more open-minded than I thought. Alright, alright, I'll give you back your phone."
"Th-thanks. Well then,"
"Wait."
She grabbed my shoulder, stopping me. I turned around, more than a little irritated.
"What is it now, really?"
"Why were you trying to kill yourself?"
On her face, so close I could have kissed her again, was a seriousness I hadn't seen before.
Eyes that condemned my actions. An expression that seemed to censure from the bottom of her heart my attempt to throw away my life.
"It doesn't matter, does it?"
"Of course it matters. Don't you have any regrets? Did you live life to the fullest, so much so that you can die with a smile?"
"...To the fullest, you say?"
Hoshimiya's accusatory words made my blood boil.
"Shut up. Don't you dare spout your platitudes with that know-it-all look on your face."
Hoshimiya Miyuki doesn't understand anything. Someone who was scouted in middle school, shot up the staircase to stardom in the blink of an eye, and just when you think she has everything, she throws it all away so easily-- there's no way someone who has led such a smooth-sailing, selfish life could ever understand how I feel.
"It's just painful to be alive. I'm not cut out for this world. I'm the one who wants to opt out of this life. ...I just want to end it all."
It's not like I'd given up on everything from the start. While cursing this curse-like condition of mine, I desperately tried to find a way to live. To the fullest? Ridiculous. What I gained in the end disappeared in an instant.
That's why I wanted to end it.
I was never allowed to choose how to live, so I at least wanted to choose how to die.
At the very, very end, as a living being, that was the one thing I couldn't concede.
"...That's a shame."
Hoshimiya Miyuki spat out, continuing in a contemptuous voice.
"You won't be able to end it. Because I will absolutely stop you."
"Don't... you... dare--!!"
Before I could finish.
With a sharp cracking sound, a jolt ran through my cheek.
My head snapped to the side. Following the jolt, a burning pain assaulted my left cheek.
I had been slapped.
For the first time in my life.
"...'Don't you dare'? Do you have any idea how much someone who's dying wishes for a future? Someone who wanted to live to see tomorrow couldn't, so why are you, who can live, throwing it away? Why did it come to this? Hey, why? Hey."
"Wh-what the..."
My mind was in a panic.
Because... it's not like I wanted to die, either.
"...If I could, I'd want to live peacefully too. But it's no use anymore. I feel like I'm going to lose my mind."
She didn't answer. Her quiet breathing strangely unsettled my heart.
"Do you understand? A life surrounded by sickening sounds, twenty-four seven. Even people's voices are irritating, and when I walk through the city, everything from buildings to traffic lights is screaming. School, with all its people, is hell. Do you get it? How hard it is? How painful? How much I've had to endure just to live!!"
I even tried my best to find a place to escape to. But that was taken from me by some senseless misfortune. I have to live my whole life being battered by this noise.
"It's impossible now. I can't bear it anymore. --That's why I want to end it here."
"...I see."
Hoshimiya Miyuki answered quietly.
After answering, she grabbed me by the collar.
"You've had it tough too, huh. But you know, I'm not mature enough to just accept that with a 'yes, I understand.' If there's an idiot trying to die right in front of me, I can't help but intervene."
"Give me a break..."
She might think she's acting out of justice, but it's a huge pain for me.
"This place is a living hell... Dying is the only way out. Just leave me alone..."
"Oh, is that it?"
Hoshimiya Miyuki abruptly let go. Caught off guard, I staggered a little.
"Your, uh, noise? You just need to not hear it anymore, right?"
"...Eh?"
"I get it. I'll help you. ...Let's see. Nine months. Give me that much time. In nine months, I'll make you want to live."
Hoshimiya jabbed her slender finger at my forehead,
"I will find it for you. —The way to play the correct tone."
She declared with a bold smile.
"H-hey, wait a minute."
Don't just progress the conversation on your own. The whole premise is ridiculous in the first place.
"Why should I have to go along with a proposal like that? Nine months? Do whatever you want. Whatever you're thinking has nothing to do with--"
"'Has nothing to do with me. I'll just ignore you and kill myself,' is that it? Impossible. I'll stop you. Don't underestimate the power of future sight. You don't have the right to refuse, you know?"
She was, undeniably, right.
Even if I rejected her proposal, if she kept stopping my suicides for nine months, it would amount to the same thing.
"...Do you even believe a story like this in the first place? The noise could be a lie, you know."
"If that was an act, you'd be a better actor than me."
"...Hah," I sighed, looking up at the night sky.
I'd gotten tangled up with a troublesome woman. Exposed to the world's malice, my spirit worn down, and even the suicide I had finally resolved to commit was obstructed. Just how much does this world hate me?
It's been a long time since I felt this angry.
...But. When was the last time someone directed so much emotion at me?
In a world full of noise. In a world where misfortune rained down constantly. In a world where I had given up on everything.
When was the last time I could clash opinions with someone as an equal?
"...Alright, I get it."
I had accepted.
It was true, as she said, that there was no point in me refusing, and,
more than that, I found myself wanting to give it a try.
Because this girl, Hoshimiya Miyuki, was just too clear.
Her voice, her gestures, her emotions. Everything reached me without being tarnished.
"Alright, it's a deal. I'll definitely do something about your noise."
"...It's impossible anyway, I'm sure."
I said it threateningly while glaring at her, but Hoshimiya didn't seem to mind and held out her phone.
In the painfully bright light, a QR code was displayed. It was the LINE 'add friend' screen.
I fumbled a bit with the screen, which I'd hardly ever used, but managed to add her. After that, I sent just the character 'a' so my account would show up on Hoshimiya's end.
"Hehe, what's with the 'a'? Hmm, so your name is Tsukishiro Ikki. Nice to meet you."
She laughed cheerfully and replied with 'aaa'. Why is she trying to one-up me?
Hoshimiya Miyuki picked up the hat I'd knocked off earlier, brushed off the sand, and put it back on.
And then, she held out her hand.
I hesitated for a moment, then tentatively grasped her fingertips.
And from our connected hands, a single beautiful note resounded.
It was a tone reminiscent of a grand piano, completely free of noise, with a pleasant, wavering quality.
Because of that pleasant sound, which I hadn't heard in half a year, I couldn't take my eyes off Hoshimiya.
Truly.
Maybe.
For just a fleeting moment, that feeling welled up inside me and then disappeared.
--Let me state this in advance.
--This is the story of how Tsukishiro meets his end.
