If only I could go back to that time.
It's something everyone thinks about at
least once, but that fantasy is all too fleeting and heart-wrenching.
Because time is irreversible, and going
back to the past is impossible from the start.
It's far more meaningful to wish for things
that are possible in reality.
──But, even so, we can't stop that fantasy.
Because the world that might have been in a
world of "if" is unbearably tempting.
That is precisely why people hesitate so
much when faced with a choice.
All while holding onto immense anxiety and
expectations for the future that lies ahead.
◇
My dreams in Tokyo were shattered, and I
returned to my parents' home in Nara as if I were running away.
And as soon as I got back, I was told to
clean up my room.
Apparently, my younger sister, Miyoko, who
had married and moved to Tokyo, had gotten divorced without my knowledge and
was coming back as a single mother. So, they wanted to turn the room I used to
use into a room for her child. The older brother loses his job, the younger
sister gets divorced. You could only call us a pair of eventful lives.
"Oh, so this was here..."
A single cardboard box shoved onto a shelf.
A notebook with scribbled settings for imaginary game titles, a sketchbook I'd
used for only five days after taking a forum thread saying "you'll get
good if you draw every day" to heart, and light novels and manga I was
hooked on.
But there's one thing that should be here
that I can't find.
"Hm? That... where did it go?"
As I was searching, the smartphone in my
hand rang.
"Oh... a call. Hello?"
"Oh, onii-chan? Hey, I was organizing
my stuff over here and some of your things got mixed in. I thought you might be
looking for it, so I called."
"Mine? What is it?"
"Your acceptance letter. You treasured
it, right?"
"...Yeah, I was looking for it. It'd
be a big help if you could bring it over."
"Sure, see you later then~"
I ended the call. Just like that, I lay
down on my bed.
"I wonder why I even took the exam
back then..."
Oonaka University of Arts, Film Department.
It was the alma mater of the director of a nationally famous anime everyone
knows, the setting for the smash-hit manga "Akai Honoo," which was
based on the life of a super-famous manga artist, and had produced numerous
creators for the global game maker Jintendo. For some reason, I applied to that
university. It's also the alma mater of those three creators.
"I passed... for some reason."
For some reason, I was accepted. But,
because I got into my higher-ranked first choice, I didn't go to the arts
university.
If I had gone to the arts university and
become classmates with those three.
"...Right, if that had
happened..."
I imagine myself living out my student days
with them, people I've never even met.
Talking about craftsmanship, debating,
getting angry, crying, and laughing.
Being inspired by the things we made for
each other, and being spurred on to create something myself.
At that point, I stopped the fantasy.
"So, what does it matter
now...?!"
The corners of my eyes grew hot, and my
vision suddenly blurred.
Something surged up from the back of my
nose.
"It's... too late now."
Everything ended on that day, ten years
ago.
The result of chasing a dream while leaving
everything half-finished is the me of today. The me of today is the one who was
only picked up by a hopeless company with a hopeless president.
The game that was released into the world
in a half-finished state was my life itself.
"My life, what has it really been
about...?"
I laugh self-deprecatingly and softly close
my eyes.
If only I could go back to that time.
I was dreaming. It was about the time I was
taking my entrance exams.
Back then, my sister was still in middle
school, and I remember she was incredibly excited about me taking the
university entrance exams.
Every time an acceptance or rejection
notice arrived by mail, my sister, who would be waiting by the mailbox, would
bring it straight to me. As if it were her own results, she would slump her
shoulders in disappointment at a rejection, and if I passed, she would hold my
hand and dance with joy.
I can hear footsteps coming up the stairs.
"Hm, is she back?"
At that sound, I opened my eyes.
To check the time, I reached for my
smartphone.
As if timing it for the exact moment the
lock disengaged via facial recognition, the room door opened.
"Onii-chan, welcome back! Oh, sorry,
did I wake you?"
It's my sister, Miyoko. Come to think of
it, she did say she had something to do.
"No, I was just thinking I had to get
up anyway."
"Then that's good! Here, this."
From the pouch she was carrying, she handed
me a slightly large envelope.
"You don't have any plans today,
right?"
When I answered no,
"That's great~. It's been a while, and
I promised Dad we'd go out for dinner, so you get ready too, okay~"
"Yeah, got it."
After roughly deciding on a time to leave,
Miyoko went downstairs.
I could faintly hear her talking with her
child downstairs. Even though she was divorced and a single mother, it seemed
my sister had a fulfilling job and was enjoying her days.
"I need to get my act together,
too..."
I got up from the bed and looked around the
room again.
The TV in the room is a 32-inch one. The
game console is a PS3. On the bookshelf are several light novels and manga. I
had taken some things with me when I started living alone, but there are still
a few items left here that bring back old memories.
They're all things from a time when a dream
was still just a dream.
"I have to face reality...
reality."
I slapped both my cheeks, trying to wake
myself up in two senses of the word.
◇
Hashiba Kyouya, 28 years old.
That is my current profile. There's nothing
else to add, not even a past I can proudly boast about. If you chip away at the
negative points, this is naturally what you're left with.
I was born and raised in what's called a
satellite city of Osaka, within the ancient capital of Nara Prefecture. Having
no particular interest in sports or studies, I came to dream of entering the
video game industry after getting hooked on them in elementary school.
The entertainment industry I once longed
for—no, that I still long for. And within that, I was especially passionate
about the game industry, but reality wasn't so sweet.
I failed at the application stage for all
the so-called famous companies. The bishoujo game company I got into through a
thread-like connection went bankrupt all too easily as a result of the
president's repeated, unrealistic actions. I didn't end up saddled with debt,
but I lost my job.
I also moved out of the apartment I was
living in and returned from Saitama to my family's home in Nara as if running
away. My father listened to the circumstances and comforted me, but I can't
stay here for long.
I have to find a job.
"What should I do now?"
Not that anything will change by doing so,
but I mutter it to face reality.
Unlike in the past, changing jobs in your
20s is common now. In the current year of 2016, that was a small comfort.
However, with a less-than-impressive work
history and no real skills, I couldn't imagine myself navigating the upcoming
job-hunting battlefield smoothly.
I have some confidence in my
problem-solving abilities, having cleared situations so difficult they felt
like hard mode, but since they are limited to a specific industry, it's unknown
how far they'll get me.
"Well, maybe I'll try searching
without limiting myself to one industry..."
In my hand was the envelope Miyoko had
given me earlier.
I quietly opened it, noticing it had
already been opened before.
Inside, along with some other documents,
was a single, slightly thick sheet of paper.
"We are pleased to inform you that you
have passed the entrance examination for the XX academic year."
It was the acceptance letter from Oonaka
University of Arts, from an exam I took ten years ago.
At that time, aiming to become a creator in
the entertainment industry, I had taken the exam for this university. I passed
splendidly and was overjoyed, but in the end, I didn't go down that path.
I was scared. I was scared that someone
like me, with no abilities and only aspirations, would enter an arts university
full of people who had likely been carefully selected, and would quickly become
discouraged.
In the end, I went to a normal private
liberal arts university, spent four years in a daze, and graduated.
"I wonder what would have happened,
really."
Even now, I still wonder a little.
If I had decided to attend that university.
If I had been creating things with the members of the Platinum Generation that
I still admire.
But that is "impossible." In
reality, I made a different choice, and now I'm in a different place. Our paths
will never cross again.
There's no point in chasing a time that
only exists in stories.
Living in reality is what I have to do.
"Maybe I'll start... little by
little."
If I just laze around at my parents' house,
nothing will happen. What I learned from my meager experience as a working
adult was that happiness doesn't just come to you.
I'll take action, even if it's just a
little. If I do, there's a chance I'll hit upon something.
I opened LINE to a friend living in Tokyo
and sent a quick message.
"Hey, are you free to meet up next
week?"
◇
......That was last month.
"I'm home... haa, I'm
exhausted..."
As I took off my shoes and entered the
room,
"Welcome back. You look like you've
been through a lot."
My friend from university, Hayakawa, is
looking at me with a wry smile.
"Of course I'd make a face like this.
It's so bad, the 'Employment Ice Age' would've been better. I'm not getting a
single bite, and even when I make it to an interview, they look at me like,
'What are you even doing here?'"
Talking, I enter the living room and sit
down on the sofa by the window.
"Well, the industry you're aiming for
is a popular one."
Hayakawa stood up, took two cans of beer
from the fridge, and tossed one to me. I said thanks, caught it, and opened the
can. With a satisfying 'pssh' sound, foamy beer overflowed.
"It's been exactly three weeks today,
huh?"
To Hayakawa, who was counting the days on
his fingers, I nodded, "Yeah."
"Sorry, I'm having a harder time than
I thought... This was supposed to be settled much sooner."
"It's fine, don't worry about it. You
can extend your stay if you need to."
Hayakawa was from the same class in
university and was my closest friend.
When I consulted him about job hunting in
Tokyo with no money, he said, "Then just come over," and I ended up
taking him up on his offer.
He not only provided a place to live, but
also lent me money for the time being, so I was completely indebted to him.
"Hey, Hashiba. Why don't you just give
up on that and come to my company?"
Hayakawa said with a serious expression.
"Your work history is what it is, but
you have a good personality and good judgment. The advertising business is
tough, for sure, but if you produce solid results, your income will go up. I
don't think it's a bad deal."
"The 'work history is what it is' part
was unnecessary."
While smiling wryly, I stared at my hands.
After graduating from university, Hayakawa
got a job at a major advertising agency, then later changed jobs when a senior
salesperson he was indebted to went independent, and now he was working as a
core salesperson at that company.
Even though it was sales, it wasn't the
cold-calling, "knock-on-enough-doors-and-one-will-open" type, but B2B
sales based on solid planning, in other words, advertising sales to corporate
clients.
He had said that since he delves into the
actual content of the ads, it was more than half creative work.
It certainly seemed rewarding. And it
wasn't a field I had absolutely no interest in.
Apparently, Hayakawa was in a position to
have some say in personnel matters, and he assured me that if he strongly
recommended me, I'd pass with a high probability. It seems that if I just make
the decision, it's even possible to jump straight to an interview with the
president.
The terms were unparalleled. I felt like
there was no reason to refuse.
......But.
"Sorry, just give me one more
week."
I had promised Hayakawa that I would only
stay for one month.
Until the very last minute, there was
something I wanted to stick to.
"I see. Well, you should think it over
carefully until the deadline."
Hayakawa laughed cheerfully and drained the
beer in his hand in one gulp.
His every word and action overflowed with
an indescribable confidence.
◇
"...Today was a bust too it
seems."
Putting the informational pamphlet into my
bag, I sighed and looked up at the sky. In Shinjuku's subcenter, beneath the
skyscrapers, many people were coming and going. But every single one of them
was someone who had nothing to do with me.
Unable to give up, I was going around
applying to every mid-career opening in the entertainment industry I could
find.
But, with no notable points in my work or
educational history, I was, of course, continuing to struggle. It had become a
pattern for me to be shot down before I could even answer the question,
"What can you do?"
"This is the crucial moment, isn't
it?"
The words Hayakawa said to me yesterday are
still ringing in my ears.
Considering my current situation, it was an
unbelievably good offer. The informally proposed salary and benefits were also
clearly excellent.
Thinking of Hayakawa, who had probably run
around trying to get the higher-ups to approve, I was so grateful it brought
tears to my eyes.
In reality, why am I so fixated on this?
I was supposed to have given up on chasing
my dream.
The reality is I've been burned so badly in
the entertainment industry, and I'm still failing right now, with no prospects
in sight.
The more I stubbornly cling to this, the
more I'll continue to trouble my precious friends and my family.
Giving up shouldn't be a bad thing at all.
Entertainment has a magical power. It's a
phrase I saw mentioned in a creator interview on some website before. It
certainly has power. A magical power that makes you want to cling to it even
when you know it's impossible.
"Six days left. Then I'll really──put an end to
it."
I mutter as if convincing myself. If I
don't put it into words like this, I feel like I'll inevitably get lost and
drag it on.
The streets of Nishi-Shinjuku had a strange
quietness compared to the eastern side. Amidst the constant flow of cars and
the brilliant lights of the buildings that never slept, there was a strange
feeling, as if only the people had been left behind.
I didn't dislike being in the midst of
that. The feeling of being all alone in a city landscape that looked like a
stage set even made me feel as if I were being taken somewhere far away.
"The Odakyuu line is... this way,
right?"
It was a bit of a walk from here to
Shinjuku Station, but I decided to walk to save money. From around
Nishi-Shinjuku station, heading east on the Oume Kaido, a large pedestrian
bridge came into view. Beneath the multi-layered bridge, cars passed by ceaselessly.
I climbed the stairs and looked around from
the walkway. The path split, one way leading to the office buildings on the
other side, the other to the entertainment district near the station.
Without hesitation, as I started to walk
towards the station, I...
"Eh?"
...noticed something and stopped in my
tracks.
"What is that person doing?"
In the middle of the pedestrian bridge,
directly above the flowing traffic, a woman in a business suit was staring
intently at the scene before her.
There was no one else around. Perhaps the
time just happened to coincide with a lull, an air pocket with no people, but
the situation was that only she and I were on the bridge.
What could her purpose be?
If she had been taking a picture with her
smartphone, I could have overlooked it, but...
"...Isn't this... bad?"
The way she kept staring at a single point
without a word. Her hands were placed on the railing, her feet neatly together.
──Jumping suicide.
The inauspicious words still came to mind
with a sense of reality.
"I should talk to her... yeah, I'll
start with that."
If she tells me it's just my imagination,
then that's that, and it'll end with a "thank goodness." Rather, if
something happened because I ignored it, I would regret it much more.
I glanced down for a moment, thinking about
what to do. I'll try to approach it naturally, speaking to her softly. Having
decided, I raised my head.
The woman was taking off one of her shoes.
"Uwaaaah, stop!!"
There wasn't a moment to spare.
I ran desperately towards the woman and
lunged at her.
Along with the dry, dusty air, the night
view in front of me flipped upside down.
──That is precisely why people hesitate so much when faced with a
choice.
All while holding onto immense anxiety and
expectations for the future that lies ahead.
